my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
well, you know. whores of a feather.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
