Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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