but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
