What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
