Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Is Oprah even human
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
