Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
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