Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
