my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
You can't motorboat a personality
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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