Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
