her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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