Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
our cab driver is having phone sex.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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