i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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