I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
