his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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