next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
