I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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