just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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