I'm lost and stupid without you.
And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
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