He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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