Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
