its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
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