its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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