new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
A bitchslap is in order.
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