I faked an abortion last night.
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Randomize
