Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Randomize
