I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
