was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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