I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Randomize
