my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
