Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
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