I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
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