I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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