i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
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