my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
i think my cat just said my name.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Randomize
