I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
