he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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