Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
