Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
