You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
