Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
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