Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
