someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
