Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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