dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
