Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
