i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
