Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Randomize
