you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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