Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
he high fived his dick after we had sex
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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