At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Randomize
