"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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