I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
