I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
