I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
