there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
