So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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