I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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